Family Constellations is a therapeutic approach designed to help reveal any hidden dynamics in a family or relationship. We can use this approach to see how we are bonded, integrated, separated or entangled.
Most of us regard ourselves as individuals – separate and somewhat alone. We have a pronounced idea of the “I” part of ourselves. We see ourselves in isolation. Unlike early biblical families, we don’t describe ourselves as being Robyn, daughter of Loraine, daughter of Dorothy, daughter of Emmeline, and so on. As Anita Diamant, from The Red Tent wrote when narrating the story of Dinah from Genesis, “We have been lost to each other for so long. My name means nothing to you. My memory is dust. This is not your fault, or mine. The chain connecting mother to daughter was broken…”
Yet, if we see ourselves not only as separate individual beings but as part of a flowing continuous life-force, the concept and importance of family becomes profound and significant. It also equips us with a more accurate sense of who we are and details of how we are bonded, integrated, separated or entangled. With astounding insight and far reaching results a healing system called ‘Family Constellations’ exposes how family dynamics live deeply within us and influence us more than we ever realise. The healing also works to restore our rightful place in the family, unravel entanglements and heal separations and other misplacements.
Pat Bastani, who has been doing psychotherapy, coaching and mentoring work most of her life is passionate about family constellation work. She explains how misplacements, hidden loyalties and invisible bonds can be the cause of illness, depression and burdens that manifest in many different forms. Family Constellations is a culmination of Burt Hellinger’s research which was influenced (amongst others) by Gestalt Therapy and group dynamics, Primal Therapy, Transactional Analysis and much work into the analysis of the unconscious scripts we tend to act out.
Hellinger realised that some scripts function across generations and in family relationship systems. Although the work is easier to see when put into practice, and in explanation sounds quite simplistic, Bastani believes that families greatly benefit from putting experiences, relationships and events in right order. “What we don’t realise, is that there is a distinct hierarchy in a family. If a mother had a miscarriage before giving birth to another child, the child is, in essence, the second child and may subconsciously struggle to claim its rightful place thinking it is the first child.”
Some family events are kept secret and exclude another member, perhaps someone committed suicide, and the family is angry with him or her. Several generations later, a child starts behaving like the excluded person, or unknowingly that child leads a similar life without knowing about the event or the person.
Hellinger explains this shows that members of a family are part of something greater, of a greater soul that unites them, or of a collective conscience which moves them all in the same direction. This greater force does not tolerate that anybody is excluded. It wants to right those who were excluded. In this case a late member of the family is identified with an earlier person in what is referred to an entanglement.
During consultation, (which is frequently done as group therapy but can be done on a one-to-one basis) a client may choose something to represent his family members, either a human substitute or an object. He or she puts the representatives in relationship to one another. Often, once this has been done, what has previously been hidden reveals itself straight away. It may be that one or more of the members want to leave the family. Often representatives feel strangely like the members they represent. Hellinger points out that this illustrates something about the human condition. “We are not just on our own; we are connected with many others in a very mysterious way.”
In a similar way to Family Constellations, we often find Immortality brings these entanglements, exclusions, bonding and other dynamics up during dreams or in real life, through old photographs, bumping into estranged relatives, deep conversations or discoveries and insights. It is important to be aware of all feelings around family and to explore processes like Family Constellations if you feel this will be helpful to you.